Change is coming...

Ever just known that change is coming even though you have no idea what it is?  That's how I feel right now! It's frustrating having to wait. ..  can't lie, but what are you going to do?  I have had an "unsettled" feeling for quite some time now.  Not sad, not depressed, not even disappointed, just unsettled.  I realized that I have been searching for answers in the wrong places.  I appreciate what my friends and family do for me!  Love that they are there for me any time I need them, but this unsettled feeling will only go away if I  look inside for answers.

Prayer is a powerful thing... if you use it!  I pray daily and love my time with God, but my prayers have been lacking the faith to back them up.  You hear you are not worthy enough and you see people's actions that remind you  of things from your past, if you aren't careful you start to believe it that you will never be good enough.

I asked a friend of mine this question today..  "At what point do you stop putting everyoneelses' happy in front of your happy; trying to make up for past mistakes?"  He wasn't sure of an answer.  At first neither was I, but then it hit me.  YOU CAN NEVER MAKE UP FOR YOUR PAST MISTAKES!  You can only ask for forgiveness and let God help you move forward!  I am tired to trying to make something right that went wrong long ago.  I am giving up my guilt right now!   It's in the past and I have lived for a very long time trying to make things right!

It's time to let it go!  Now I know I will struggle, because this is something that I have held on to for a good part of my life..  it's become habit and habits are hard to break, but I know I am ready..  I want to see what God has in store for me and I am tired of blocking my blessings.  Fact is, it's just plain wearing me out.

I appreciate today..  March 4, 2012.  It's the only one I will ever get!

Wish me LOVE because I certainly wish it for you!
"B"

I'm calling YOU out!

I am just going to come out with it...  this is a RANT!  It is straight up just me getting things off of my chest.  So if that bothers you, I suggest you stop reading and wait til my next post!

Guys..  Listen up!  I am calling you out!  You know who you are!  Men in my life who have done something to try to bring me down or just make me feel stupid.

Mr. talk to me on the phone every night for a few months and then forget who I am.

Mr. "Hey can you send me a pic?"

Mr. cheat on me.

Mr. drive 7 hours to take me out...  talk to me for a month straight.  Calling me nightly and talking for hours..  Mr. fly me down to see you, take me out, show me a great time..  call me 3 times when I am on my way back home, and again when I get home and talk to me for hours...  AND then forget who I am.

Mr. "I like you, but you were married to ________, so I can't talk to you."

Mr. "If you were just 10 years younger."

Mr. "No my wife and I aren't really together..  we just live in the same house.. you know for the kids sake."

Mr. "Oh, you have THREEEE kids?"

Mr. "hey where's my sexy pic"?

Mr. hang out with me, act like my friend, and then ask me when I was going to suck your wwwoooo hoooo...  can't even bring myself to repeat that one.

Mr. manner less who feels the need to make rude remarks to me every chance you get.

Mr. "I just got you a great deal on a car..  when are we going to do it?"

Mr. call me names and try to talk me into believing I deserved it.

Mr. "Hey can I get a sexy pic...  the one on Facebook is nice, but you aren't naked."

Mr. "Wanna go on a date?"  (When we get there...  I end up having to pay.)

Mr. "I just don't understand why you're not attracted to me like all the other girls are?"

Mr. "Hey you gonna send me that pic"?

That's all I can think of right now, but dang when I read back over that I realized that it is by the grace of God that I don't hate men! 

Thank God for the men out there that love and respect women!  The men like my dad who would walk through fire to make sure the women in his life were taken care of.  Thank God for the men who realize that the best thing you can do for your children is treat their mother with absolute respect.  Thank God for then men who will happily take on a woman like me with "THREEEE" kids!  Thank God that there are good men out there..   Even though my sky has been a little clouded with the "smog" that has blown my way...  I know eventually the clouds will clear and a GREAT man will appear that respects me and treats me the way I am supposed to be treated!

Until then, I will continue to enjoy everyday that I am blessed with, including today February 12, 2012 because it's the only one I will ever get!

Wish me LOVE, because I definitely wish it for you!

<3 "B"

When a WOMAN Loves-- She loves for real!

I woke up this morning with a new understanding about some things.

First things first- no longer will I allow myself to make someone a priority who doesn't do the same for me!  I know this one seems obvious, but it's harder that you think.  You can't make people change!  Only they can initiate  change.  I am very guilty of hanging on to something based off of what could be in the future while sitting in a bad situation in the present.  I get involved with someone (it doesn't have to be a boyfriend type relationship) and things are rocky from the start, but I listen to promises of love and understanding with absolutely no sign of those things right now and try to hang on until things get better.  Of course a year and a half later I end up sitting in a worse situation than I started with.

I was told not long ago that I choose those types of bad relationships to protect myself because I already know that they are going to end.  I struggled with that for a while, but I believe now that that may very well be true.  It's kind of a defense mechanism for me.  It's not going to last anyway, so why bother getting too upset about it?  The worst thing about that is that you end up settling for less than what you are worth.  You put up with things you know you don't deserve and in the end you have nothing to show for your pain.

My friend told me that I should visualize myself meeting genuine people and finding genuine relationships.  So I'm trying it!  AND I have to admit, I like it!

What I want- Someone who cares about me as much as I care about them, and shows it!  Someone who respects me and is there when I need them!  Someone who makes me a priority in their life and doesn't make a habit if breaking promises.  Someone who refuses to talk down to me like I lack intelligence.  Someone who makes an effort to see me as much as possible.  Someone who makes me feel like I am the only person in a room full of people!  Someone who laughs with me, hurts when I am hurt, loves me with all of their heart!  .

Ok- there you have it... That's what I want!  That what I'm visualizing!  That's what's x-ing people off of my list!  I see myself successful!

How do you know if someone genuinely loves you?  Know what you want in a relationship.  Set up the parameters and make clear what you like and what you don't like.  If that person does something that you don't like tell them.  If they continue to hurt you- let them go.  If the love was genuine, they will initiate their own change because they never want to see you hurt again!

That's all I have for now!  I am going to work out and help me feel good about me.

Don't settle today 6/28/2011 or any other day!
*Wish me Love!*

Today is a good day!

Hey- Hey! I am feeling really good today! Crazy how that works, huh? One day you feel like you don’t want to get out of bed and the next you are on top of the world. What made me feel so good today..? Well nothing out of the ordinary. I woke up after tossing and turning and staring at the ceiling fan most of the night. I got dressed and ready for work. Got my kids up and ready to go. Noticed that I didn’t finish the laundry and the kitchen cabinets could have been wiped off better.

I got to school just pretty much like normal and had to immediately deal with a run away and another potentially “bad” situation. More paper work, more parent / police contact; not really the makings of a good day.. unless I can just realize that that’s my life and even though on the outside looking in, my life doesn’t look fabulous to most, my life is pretty great to me! No I don’t have a significant other to wake up to everyday, but I don’t have a significant other to answer to every day either. AND I do have 3 amazing kiddos to wake up to! Some months we live pay check to pay check, but other months we have a little extra cash to play with. My life is not hard- sometimes it’s a little stressful, but absolutely nothing that outweighs my BLESSINGS!

Sure I want more- who doesn’t? God didn’t create us to sit on our tails and watch the world go by.. But I am also very content with all of the amazing things that God has BLESSED me with right now. One day I will have it all… Someone will see me for who I am and LOVE me just because I am me. Until then I am going to keep working toward my goals and loving the life that I live today April 15, 2011!

My son and I have been P90X-ing it lately! He’s a pretty real trainer! I think he’s got a future in it for sure! We will see where I end up at by summer.. I want to wear a swim suit!  Maybe even dare I say it... a bikini! ;0p

Balance…

Something was just brought to my attention. It’s one of those things that I have had an opinion about for a very long time, but all it too was one simple conversation to alter my way of thinking. Crazy huh?

I have always believed that balance in life meant that you had to have good things and bad things in your life. Let me try and explain. If your family was in good health, your finances are going well, and you enjoyed your profession, your personal life would not be good. I feel like I am as clear as mud on this one. Basically I have pretty much always felt that no one could really have it all.

My family amazes me on a daily basis. I have the most fabulous kids on the planet! I have great friends. I have a job I enjoy. AND I am buying a new house! All wonderful things… I am content in those areas of my life. Because I am so happy with those things, I have a tendency to neglect my personal life. I settle for what ever is given to me because I have always felt that if I prayed for and hoped for someone to come in my life and be there for me that I would seem selfish and un appreciative of the Blessings that are already present. I have always felt guilty for wanting more.

No one has ever questioned my way of thinking. This is partly because I am not all that open to talking about things like that, and partly because me thinking that way is beneficial to others in a lot of ways. If I believe that it’s selfish to want to be treated well then people who choose to take advantage of that will. Truth is people have been doing just that for a very long time. I think it’s about time for a change.

Sometimes change is a bad thing. This time change is a good thing!

That’s all I have on this one. I may write more later, but for now enjoy today February 24, 2011! I am.

Haven't written in a few days..

Don't worry nothing's wrong, I've just been lazy with the whole blog thing the past few days.  The last time I posted it was about not getting what you want.  I didn't go into what was in my head, but I knew what I was talking about.  :)  Today, of course I don't feel the same as I did the last time I posted.  That's one of those weird things ab out being human...  our emotions fluctuate from day to day.. sometimes minute to minute.  Things that seems so pressing, so important one minute don't seem so important the next.

I have a lot of things I want.  AND the truth of the matter is God has blessed me with most of what I have asked for and absolutely everything that I need.  When I want more, I actually feel bad.  Like I am not appreciative of what I already have.  I am so appreciative I promise...  sometimes I feel bad asking for more.  

God knows what's on my mind before I even say it...  and he is reminded of it when I pray.  What I am going to ask of myself is to put more effort into getting what I want.  There are 3 areas I would like to improve..  I am not going to go into details, but here's the general idea.  1) Relationships- with God, family, friends, and yes even the romantic kind.  I want to put more of me into my relationships.  Of course this is a hard one because you can't control what other people do. So you never know what reaction you will get.  I am just going to work on my side of this and hope that the reactions I get from my changing are favorable.  2) Financial- This is actually probably the easiest one.  Not that I am rich, but just that the past few years have taught me to be super frugal.  Now though it's time to start taking some risks to continue to move forward.  3) Physically-  This is all me!  Self-control ugh!  I am going to have to depend on me to make good choices.  YUK!  I stink at this one!

What I am going to do is challenge myself to 30 days of improvement in each of these areas.  I am writing my own personal goals (not online as they are personal) and seeing where I am by March 11, 2011.  Don't worry I will write about them as I go.  Now I am asking that you help me by doing the most powerful thing you can do..  pray! 

You can't always get what you want.  Sometimes you get what you want later than you thought you should have.  Sometimes you never get what you want.  Sometimes you have to work harder for what you want.  Sometimes what you want is just handed to you... BUT always you get what you need just when you need it!

Hmmmm...

God blessed the broken road that led me straight to you...  my daughter and I have been singing that song together.  I like it.  OK truth is I love it!  It's a hopeful song.  

If you don't know it the song by heart like we do.. here are some of the lyrics.

Every long lost dream led me to where you are

Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

Of course you know me..  it got me to thinking.  How many times do we see signs pointing us where we need to go and we ignore them?  Leads to some long days and sleepless nights.  We let the craziness of our everyday life get in the way..  or worse we let our past get in the way of our future.

 What I like about this song is what I like in movies, it has a happy ending!  No candy coating the situation, the song talks about having many broken hearts before finding what was true.  I talked to my friend Kortney today about having to have the downs in life to appreciate the ups.  I agree with that!  True happiness comes with a price tag that can only be paid through experience.   Even my 15 year old daughter gets it..  well in her own silly way.  She reminded me long ago that "you gotta kiss a lot of toads to find your prince."  LOL 

Snow days are getting a little out of hand- we have the rest of the week off..  ugh this is cutting into my summer!  I feel loved today, February 2, 2011, and I am enjoying it because you guessed it, it's the only one I will ever get!

My Ah Ha Moment... Thanks Oprah (AND Shellee)

Ok honestly I don't really watch Oprah very much at all, but Nana does and she fills me in on the points she sees as relevant to me....

Today is another snow day.  While the kids are excited about it, I would rather be in school and get out for my summer!  I love warmer weather.  BUT I suppose it has given me some time to get some things done.  I could certainly clean house today...  more likely I will play, but I could clean house if I wanted to!  :) 

Now what was it I wanted to write about today?  Oh yeah my "ah ha moment".  I have them daily, but this one hit me just last night after a talk with my friend Shellee.  Are you ready?  This one is BIG! 

Everything is NOT always my fault! 

If I have questions about something and I ask the wrong way, that's because I am human.  If I my feelings get hurt and I want whoever to make things right.. that's because I am human.  It's not because of my past or any one in my past.  Of course I have issues; everyone has issues, but my issues are no worse (or better) than anyone elses.  As a a matter of fact, my biggest issue is being able to let people get close to me because I am scared to let my guard down.  THAT IS MY BIGGEST ISSUE!  Judge me if you want..  it's ok.  I have been judged before, but if you actually take the time to get to know me, you will see that I have a ton of other amazing qualities that out weigh that "issue". 

I'd like to take a minute to just go over the things that I do NOT have issues with.  OK here goes..
I do not have an issue with loyalty.  Once you are in, you are in! 
I do not have an issue with commitment.  (Actually if you look at my background.. I have been a little too committed at times.)
I do not have an issue with placing blame on others. (I usually place it on myself)
I do not have an issue with admitting I was wrong and apologizing. (I have even apologized to my children when I felt I had hurt them or done wrong by them.)
I do not have an issue with judging people.  (I even try to walk away from gossip.)
I do not have an issue with always having to be "right".
I do not have an issue with always being negative. 

Wow, I could go on for a while here. I'm thinking my "issues" don't seem quite so abnormal or large anymore.  I am not an easy shell to crack, but the people who have taken the time to truly know me have stuck with me for a very long time.  That's got to say something about me.  If I was wrong, I will admit it and apologize, but not everything is my fault.  Thankfully, I am not naive enough to buy into that theory.

Today is February 2, 2011. (Another snow day) Enjoy it!  It's the only one you will ever get! For me I see sledding, snow angels, snowball fights, and a snowman in my future! :)

My Testimony...

tes-ti-mo-ny:
1. Law . the statement or declaration of a witness under oath or affirmation, usually in court.
2. evidence in support of a fact or statement; proof.
3. open declaration or profession, as of faith.

This is my testimony.. well at least one of my testimonies.  I have several. As a matter of fact, I believe that life should be a daily testimony.  Sometimes, I'm sorry to say, it's no the best testimony, but every day is a statement of who I am.  This is just one of the most recent ones.

So here goes...

The Test

In order to appreciate the testimony, you have to hear a little bit of the background.  I don't want to go too far into it, but here are the main points.  About three and a half years ago my husband left me with four children.  I didn't have enough money to cover all of the bills and had too much pride/embarrassment to ask anyone for help.  So very quickly things started piling up and before long I was juggling electric and car payments to buy groceries and praying that checks didn't bounce and lights were on when we got home.  The mortgage company started foreclosure proceedings on my house, and I can't lie, I was scared.

Family

My Dad called to talk to me, like he normally did, but must have known that something was wrong, because he drove from Indiana and was at my house in Oklahoma the next day.  With his help and the help of other family members, I was able to sell my house and move closer to home. 

The Testimony

That with a few more surprises put my finances in shambles.  I wanted to stay positive, but I can't lie I never thought that I would be able to find my way out.  BUT I prayed and continued to try and stay positive.  I surrounded myself with positive people.  I even read some books and did some research about how to build my credit back up.  That was all great, but I hadn't worked up enough courage to try anything different with anything concerning money. I had savings, but I was scared to touch anything or spend anything for fear that I would be back to the point of worrying about feeding my children and keeping the lights on. 

The Epiphany

Pastor Watts has been preaching about "Running Your Race".  I have blogged about it a couple of times.  He made the comment that we should have an "Attitude of Expectance".  At first I was like..  I can't do that.  I work hard and I don't expect anything from anyone!  BUT after I stopped and listened to what he meant, and took a minute to let it sink in, I agreed with him.  (If you want to know a little more about his sermon, you can just read my previous blogs.)  So I adjusted my attitude a little and went to God with my desires as far as my finances.  In less than 2 days 2 major things happened.  1) I got word that my daughter's college tuition would be paid in full!  2) I was approved for a  loan on a house that is now officially under contract to me!  I am weeks away from becoming a home owner! :) 

Two major  burdens were lifted!  Not because I am perfect. Not because I always make the right choices.  Not because I always try to do the right thing..  but because God is perfect!  I am loved by the highest Power, and good times or bad He is with me! 

The Outcome

2011 is going to be the best year so far!  Philipians 4:13 has a whole new meaning to me!  I used to look at that verse and interpret it like this..  "I can get through all of the bad times through Him who give me strength."
NOW I see it just how it is written.. "I can do ALL THINGS through Him who gives me strength!"

Well, there you go- my testimony for today, January 31, 2011.  Make the most out of it, because it's the only on you will ever gt!

I gotta admit, I was jealous..

I know jealousy is an ugly thing!  BUT I have to admit today I got a little jealous. 

Here's what happened...

I was taking my son to his Martial Arts class and while we were in the parking lot I saw a man (about my age) go around his truck and open the door for his wife. 

Let me go on and admit a few things about me: 

1) I am super independent!  I like to get stuff done on my own with out having to depend on anyone.  Yeah I get that this is not necessarily a good thing, but I never said that I was just admitting all of my good qualities.
2) I am a bit of a "Tomboy".  I like to do stuff like play sports, watch sports, look at old cars, play video games, fish.. shoot one of my longest running dreams has been to watch a game at Wrigley! 
3) This is the hardest one for me to admit.. I am a closet romantic.

OK now it's out!  I like to be treated like a lady.  I like doors to be opened for me.  I like to be given flowers, presents, and treated to dinner.  I secretly dream that someone will actually get down on one knee and well.. you know the rest.   The fact that  I am not your typical girl doesn't mean I don't want to be treated like one every now and then.  I guess this ended up like more of a rant than anything else..  sorry about that.  This is just one of those things I had to work out I guess.

YES I was jealous.. I am over it now, but I liked seeing that there were still guys out there that are not afraid to treat women with respect.  If you have someone in your life that treats you like this..  feel free to share!  Every now and then I need to be reminded that  men like that really do exist. Question of the day..   "Why are there NO ..sweep you off your feet and love you like no other people.. out there anymore?"  Just curious.

Anyway.. Enjoy the rest of today January 28, 2011. It's the only one you will ever get!  - Good night and God Bless!

Some times you just gotta write...

Sometimes when I am not sure what path to take it helps me just to sit down and start writing. These are the times where I eventually go back and read through and wonder what in the world I was talking about at the time, but it never fails to help me through whatever it is I am going through. Crazy thing about it is.. when I am not writing, that is usually when stuff is going very wrong in my head. Not necessarily in my life, but so much stuff is rolling around in my head that I have trouble picking through and managing it.


Anyone who knows me well, knows that I am not the type of person to sit down and read a novel. I read things that interest me, but things that I am told I have to read kind of appeal to me like fingernails on a chalkboard. Most of the time if I don't choose the reading material, it is somehow put into my lap and I have no choice but to read it. Almost like I was meant to read it... I know I know corny right? Don't laugh just yet.. yesterday my daughter and I were talking and just kinda being silly and surfing around on the internet and I happened upon this, http://christinekane.com/blog/you-teach-people-how-to-treat-you/ . It's a blog by Christine Kane called (you guessed it) You Teach People How to Treat You. Now what it so "ironic" about this is that a friend of mine had just made the same statement late the night before. So since the blog was placed in my lap, I read it.


It is a GREAT blog that talks about how you have some control over how you are treated by the way you allow people to treat you. That is really not news to me. I have known that for a long time, but it goes into some other stuff that hit me right in the gut. First, that you have to know what you want. Check! I got that down. I know exactly what I want! Yay me, right? BUT then it goes on to say, you have to set your boundaries and "honor and practice" making use of thost boundaries. Hmm.. OK hold the Yay :( I don't really do that. AND yep she was good enough to anwer my question as to why I don't really do that -> are you ready for it? "The biggest risk involved in teaching people how to treat you is the risk that some of them might go away." I don't like to lose people that I have taken a risk on and let myself care about. It hurts and I just don't like it!



So what do I tend to do? Not let myself get into many deep and meaningful relationships. Don't get me wrong, I care about people. I love people for the most part. I just don't often take the time to truly get to know them on a deeper level. Why? Because I don't like to get hurt. AND what's even more crazy about it is that I tend to choose people to try to care about on that level who don't really care the same way for me. I guess secretly I like to know the end result. Me caring about someone who doesn't return my feelings = eventually not having that person in my life.



One day maybe I will get it all figured out.. for now I am going to stop writing, because I choose that and promise myself that tomorrow (or tonight) I will write again.

Enjoy today, June 12, 2010, it's the only one you will ever get!