6/11/11 is “D” Day

It takes 21 days to make a habit and 21 days to break a habit! That’s what my friend Charlotte says and I believe her.

OK, let me start from the beginning….

For a little over a year my life has been a roller-coaster ride in the area of relationships. One minute I feel loved and understood the next I feel lost and alone. It’s a hard situation to be in. On one hand you have all of these blessing in your life and in all sincerity you are truly thankful, but on the other hand you find yourself feeling like something is wrong with you that there is no one out there who feels you are worthy enough of their time. When one area of your life starts to bring you down, you start to doubt yourself in others. So for the past few months I have been doing a lot of “soul searching”. AND I have to say it hasn’t been in vain. I have learned a lot about myself.

The significance of 6/11/11….

I have a reoccurring dream that shows something amazing happening to me at night, but under bright lights. The dream always makes me feel a sense of serenity and in my dream the date is always 6/11/11. The cynical side of me told myself that it meant nothing, but there was always that little bit of hope that kind of wished it did mean something.

When Ms. Charlotte said what she did about habits, she was referring to the fact that we as women need to evaluate ourselves to become the people that use our strengths toward God’s benefit. I responded to her by saying that when I evaluate myself it is very critical and harsh. She told me that I should not be so negative toward myself and I told her that some habits are hard to break… now you know the rest of that story. Charlotte challenged me to say out loud everyday for 21 days positive things describing who I really am. So of course I accepted the challenge.

My Mantra….

It wasn’t easy, but after much thought I came up with the following:

I am smart. I am beautiful. I am strong. I am worthy of being loved and respected. And I am worthy of someone’s time.

I have it memorized now- it’s day 3 and I am going to win this challenge!

Shellee’s call….

Yesterday was a little rough for me. Don’t really care to discuss why, but it did have its bright spots. My friend Shellee called me! I love Shellee, we have been friends for years and I have always considered her my “voice of reason”. She knows just how to talk to me with out making me feel silly or stupid. We talked for a while and the conversation led to my challenge from Ms. Charlotte. Seeing a need for change in my life (and knowing how hard it was for me to turn down a challenge) she gave me another one. Now as hard as Ms. Charlotte’s challenge was, Shellee’s is 100 times harder, but of course I accepted it! The 21 days for Shellee’s challenge ends on you guessed it, 6/11/11!

I knew that God had some positive changes planned for me, but I wasn’t aware of what they were. Now I have a better idea. Once my challenges are up and my habits have been changed (hopefully) I will have a huge decision to make. Maybe I will know what I am going to do before 6/11/11, who knows. What ever the case, I know that it is God working on me!

I can’t lie. I am still very sad. Sometimes life does not seem fair. One very hard lesson I have learned already is that you can only truly trust someone when you are sure of their love for you. It’s human nature. If they don’t show you consistent love, real trust will never develop. I am not saying that people don’t make mistakes nor am I saying that one mistake makes you untrustworthy. What I am saying is love has to be consistent and obvious. When it’s not doubt grows.

In the end…

I am not sure how things will turn out, and that’s ok. I have figured out what 3 things are most important to me from others, love, respect, and time. I have also figured out what things are important to me as far as how I want to view myself. I am smart (I am not as naive as some people think.) I am beautiful- on the outside.. ok I will go with that, but on the inside is what I am most proud of. I am strong! God is on my side, so there is nothing on this Earth that can break me!

6/11/11 is Decision Day for me! One way or another a choice will be made and I am trusting God that it will be the right one according to his plan!

Live today 5/20/2011 it’s the only one you will ever get!

Comfortable in my dysfunction….

Wow! Am I really? I read this today and I have to admit, it stuck in my head. I don’t want to be dysfunctional and I certainly don’t want to find comfort in it!

Let me make a few things clear.. My life is NOT bad! I have 3 amazing kids. We live in a nice house with a nice back yard and plenty of food in the pantry. We live just above pay check to pay check, but I have a good steady job and we make it alright.

Why then did this quote get to me? Not because of my outside world, but because of my inside world: the world that very few people have had the chance to enter into. My kids know I am crazy, but they love me anyway. They have to; I feed them, clothe them, and give them a house to live in. (I do believe they would love me even if I didn’t though- like I said they are pretty amazing kids!) Other than that, not too many people out there know the real me. Which brings me to why the quote got to me-> Does not letting people know really know me make me dysfunctional?
Hmmmmm? I have to tell you in my mixed up world not letting people get to know me makes me smart. It keeps me from getting hurt and it makes me not have to deal with drama. BUT the down side of it is it closes me off from people who may actually care about me.
Not too sure where this one is going so I am going to stop writing now. Crazy thing is it’s taken me 3 days to write this much. I am thinking that this must have some type of meaning to me or it wouldn’t be in my head so much. Maybe I will figure it out later- for now value today May 17, 2011, it’s the only one you will ever get!

Does he know?

I met someone new today...

I met someone new today.

She is a sweet person who would do just about anything for anyone, but she's been lost for a while.  Her heart's been hurting and she's been letting the world around her tell her who she has been and who she will be.  She'd made a habit of apologizing for who she was and had blamed herself for every bad circumstance that had come her way.  She had been bullied and beat down and made to think that she wasn't worthy of being treated like a Princess.  She had spent years closing doors and shutting people out.  Holding people at arms length not allowing them to know who she really is had become her shelter.  She had made an art of finding ways to make sure a relationship ended right before she had the chance to know what real love is, because deep down she felt there was no such thing.  Her guard was always up.  Her walls had been meticulously built to ensure that there were windows only a select few could make it through.  She always had a smile on her face, but her heart remained broken and fragile. 

She didn't see that she did deserve to be treated like a Princess if for no other reason than that she was a child of The King!  Her worth was more than all the gold in the world and she couldn't accept that.  When love would come her way, she would run.  When she would stumble, she never looked around for help because she always felt that she had to find her way back on her own.   Even though God had always been there to protect her and love her, she never allowed herself to feel his loving arms around her.  She continued to live every day feeling as if she had to pay for sins from long ago.   She tried to do the right thing and live up to the expectations of the world, but she just never could reach that level.

One day-  she sat alone, still and quiet, and allowed God to speak to her.  He told her to stop beating herself up for her past mistakes and let it all go.  He reminded her that there is a season for everything and now is the time to let go of her season of pain and sadness.  That season has made her stronger, but now it was time to drop that weight so that she could welcome the new things He has waiting for her!  He told her that she would still have bumps in the road, but assured her that she was strong enough because He would always be right there with her! 

I have made my mistakes.  I am not my mistakes.  I am ready to let them go and move forward!  I am just sad that hanging on to my past may have caused me to lose someone who belongs in my future. 

"Take me to that place Lord., to that secret place where I can be with you and you can make me like you.  Wrap me in your arms!" 

Help me find where I belong....

I met someone new today...  her name is Rebekah Lynn and she's ready to be done with her past and focus on her future!

Love today and have Faith that God will take care of your tomorrows--

Wrap Me in Your Arms Lord

UPDATE:

Well, things could be better for sure. I have been working at it, but not seeing the success I would like to see. I am not going to give up.. just adapt. I’m working harder to reach my goal. I got this! BUT ummm.. if you wanna throw in a little prayer for me feel free! I am looking for change in so many ways- So ready to see some! Still thankful for my blessing! Still LOVE the LIFE GOD has BLESSED me with! Just working toward more!

LOVE THIS and thought that I would share!!!

“You give me your shield of victory, and your right hand sustains me; you stoop down to make me great.” Psalm 18:35 (NIV, 1984)

Enjoy today May 4, 2011; it’s the only one you will ever get!